Every month has brought more and more obstacles and more and more altering of my plans. What is going on here. I am Miss, Make things happen. Why can't I make this happen. Excuse me God, can't you see I have a plan! Work with me !
After 6 more months of trying to have a child after the miscarriage, I scheduled an appointment with my OBGYN. I explained to him that with my blood mutation and my lack of time (remember I am on a schedule!) I needed to see a specialist. Oh and a very aggressive would be great, thank you.
A week later there I was being told by the specialist that he would get me pregnant. Duh! That's the plan! For the next 4 weeks I went through the entire work up of the initial diagnostic testing. It was exhausting. And invasive. Every week there was a new stranger looking at my insides, poking and protting and sticking. It was awful. And I did it all with a great big smile on my face. Because this just a stepping stone in my plan, a bridge to cross to get the prize at the end and I was happy to do it.
Ryan....not so much. There may have been a point where he muttered something along the lines of "Did we pray about this before deciding to send me to a bathroom in a doctors office with a cup" And not for a urine sample either, I might add. "Baby this is just a formality. Do what you need to do, be proactive!" I told him as I shoved him through the bathroom door.
Fast forward to result day. Long story short as we sat in front of our doctor hearing that between the two of us it was highly, and he emphasized the word highly, like he suddenly became Jewish, "hhhhighly" unlikely that we would get pregnant naturally. In fact, here is his plan.
We start clomid asap. We monitor my follicles, stimulate ovulation with an HCG hormone trigger shot, intrauterally inseminate me (IUI) and wait two weeks to find out it if it works. Oh and the chances are about 20% that I will actually conceive. If that doesn't work after 4 tries, we move to a more aggressive plan of In Vitro fertilization, (IVF). Sounds good to me when can we get started?
Now don't get me wrong. The past 9 months Ryan and I have been in heavy prayer. We have fallen to our knees and begged God to speak to us about this issue. We have begged him month after month to have mercy on us and give us a child. We know that He is the ultimate decision maker. However, because I have felt so responsible, because it was my body that didn't hold the baby, I have felt it was me who had to fix things. I just knew I was the one who had to make this happen.
In November we started the entire process. The doctors were actually extremely encouraging regarding our chances. My body responded extremely well to the medications and I produced 3 large follicles, giving me 3 chances of conceiving! My estrogen level the day of the IUI was 1040. The doctors like to see a level of 200-300 per follicle. That means each one of my 3 follicles had strong viable eggs! My progesterone 7 days after the procedure was 49! It only needed to be 10 to confirm ovulation. Everything was "more than perfect" the doctor said.
Our 2 week waiting period fell right at the last 2 weeks of the month. Our HCG beta test to determine pregnancy was scheduled for November 27th. The two week wait was the easiest part. It was the day we were to get the results that was so overwhelming. We scheduled our test for early morning so we would be sure to get the call with the results that same day. We went about our business just knowing that God was about to bless us with a pregnancy.
Ryan went to get a haircut and I went to do my Thanksgiving grocery shopping right next door. And that's when I got the call. "I'm sorry you are not pregnant." ......no, I'm sorry.....WHAAAT!
But everything worked so perfectly, it was so....PERFECT! More than perfect ! And yet she wasn't wrong. There was no mix-up with the tests. There was no mistake from the lab. We simply were not pregnant...again.
I left the groceries in the cart and ran out of the store before the tears could fall from my eyes. I waited for Ryan outside and when I saw him, saw his face, I let it all go. The tears and the questions. This was just truly exhausting. As my husband sat there on the bench outside Publix shopping center, holding me and praying over me, over the situation, I started to realize I was really NOT in control. I wasn't even riding shotgun. I didn't just realize it, I welcomed it.
I was tired. I was so hormonal that my husbands new nickname for me was Sybil. I had tried everything. I spent month after month with doctor google creating the perfect supplement plan for my MTHFR gene mutation. I was taking my baby aspirin for a good 6 months now just to make sure there was no evidence of clotting for when I did get pregnant. I made a mean Maca powder shake to boost our fertility. I introduced zinc and fish oil into my husbands diet to ensure his motility was strong, I charted my days, Everything was perfectly prepared. Where did I GO WRONG!
Where did I go wrong?! Where do I start? I start all the way back to the beginning. To the day when I gave my life over to Christ. The day I accepted HIM as not just my Savior but Lord....over my life.
Thanksgiving day was a blur. I was tired (have I mentioned I was tired?). I spent the whole day thinking about God and thinking about my plan. My plan. I can't even go as far as saying it was Ryan and I's plan. Sure my husband wants a child more than anything. But he was just a passenger along for the ride. He showed up at the appointments he needed to show up at. He paid attention, listened to the doctors. He took all the new vitamins and shakes I laid in front of him. He did it all, without letting it consume him, even the IUI procedure. But not me, I had absolutely let this consume me. It became my mission to make this happen. My husband just became a crucial player. And God? At some point along the way, I must have said to Him "You go relax for a while, I got this", although I can't even remember at what point that was.
Funny how you want something so badly, something that lines up with Gods Word. Something that you know He wants to give you. So you take it upon yourself to decide how and when you are going to get it. Because honestly, having a family is a blessing from God so why would it be wrong to actively seek to achieve something that is a blessing from God?
Its not wrong. But what is wrong is to ask God to sit this one out. Truthfully, I didn't even realize I had done that. But here I was wracking my brain trying to figure out why this thing that we wanted so badly was not happening in my timing when I heard God say to me, Have you asked Me about My timing?
Ummmmm.....I prayed to You God. I prayed all the way through this whole process! I held onto scripture that pertained to our situation. I listened to doctors, followed their protocol, kept all my appointments. I even listened to testimonies about other believers and how You blessed them with their children.
But did you ever stop to listen to Me, He said. And that's when it hit me. No. I hadn't.
I was so busy planning, doing, researching, scheduling, charting, talking, crying, whining! I never stopped to actually listen. I couldn't remember the last time I had just found a quiet place to go and listen for Gods voice. Listen for His direction. Listen to His plan. And in all of this chaos and madness that I created, all He wanted was me. He waited so patiently. He never gave up. And when God knew I was finally done, He spoke. I was so tired of doing, that I had nowhere else to turn but to my Father. And He was there.
He had always been there. Just like He had always been there when I was a little girl, scared and afraid praying to a God that no one had ever taught me about but I knew existed. He was there every single time in my life that I grew tired and had nowhere else to turn but to Him. God has never let me down. Even before I knew He was there, He was there.
How beautiful a thing to have a Father like Him. One who loves us so much that He allows us to go, only so we can return, realizing that we need Him. Knowing what it's like to follow our own plan and then experiencing His plan in all its beauty. His plan is always beautiful. He is always beautiful. And He is always there.
I rejoice in my God and His plan. I rejoice because I know what I create when I try to do things my way. And I am so glad that God has put enough of a boundary in my life that He allows me to run in circles inside those boundaries until I grow tired, only to give in to Him and His will. I want to please Him and I want my life to reflect His Glory and He knows that. That is why He never gives up on me, because He knows the desires of my heart. He knows that when I finally come to my stubborn senses that I will always turn back to Him and say Lord I need You.
Could I still get pregnant with doctors and procedures and insemination, absolutely. Are the chances that I get pregnant without doctors and procedures still slim to none, yep they still are. Could it be Gods will that I do it that way, absolutely. Or could God still provide a miracle and give us a natural pregnancy with no doctors and no procedures? Yes! God can do whatever He chooses to do! he could give us a child, or maybe He won't. But the point is not that anymore.
The point is that I don't have to make anything happen. I am not the responsible party over my life anymore. God is. He wants to be. He wants to take this journey with me, not just be a spectator. He wants to lead us in our lives to a better way. His way brings comfort and security, love, so much love....and a much much better way.
His way does not disappoint. The disappointment I have been feeling, it was all because my plan had not been met. But God's, well that is still working, and I am anxiously awaiting His plan. I surrender, with faith, my will and accept my Fathers will in it's place.
If I have learned anything these past years as a Christian it's that my life as a believer does not have to have any expectations on it. Do I strive to be perfect like Jesus, yes always. But I have learned to embrace my mistakes with God because with each mistake I make, the reconciliation to Him is just so amazing. Its not about being perfect the first time, or the second or third. It's about recognizing that we are not perfect and that God rejoices with us in that because it draws us closer to Him and His perfect way. He loves that. He loves us, in all our flaws and craziness, He loves us anyway. And He sees us as we were intended to be, beautifully transformed, fearfully and wonderfully made, by our Creator, our Father who will never, ever leave us or forsake us.
Lord I just want to lift your name up to the highest of high places today. I am so grateful that you chose me to love when I am such a mess. But I rejoice with you today God because if I was not a mess, then I wouldn't need a Savior and Lord, I do need you. I need you and I love you Lord. I surrender all to you again, today. I am so sorry God for taking matters into my own hands and making plans without even waiting on You to speak. I no longer want to be in the lead, I want to step back and let You do what You do best. In the end, when all this is said and done, the glory God will all go to You. Because there is nothing I can add to this situation except acceptance and obedience. And I choose that every time. Because YOU do not disappoint, Jesus...
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